Introducing Mr. Taffy!

If you were wondering why posting has been so sparse, I've been spying on a strange creature, which has been taking up most of my time. He seems very fun loving and curiously made of Taffy. I have recreated one of my sightings of him in the following video. Forgive the crude animation, it's my first time trying to recreate real life events. Let me know what you think of him. Enjoy!

I will be going on vacation so I will not be able to post, but do not worry I will be back in full force next Wednesday!

It's Complicated...

If you have no interest in posts about video games, I suggest you read no further. This post is about a long and complicated relationship with a certain game series called Megaman. Megaman series was started in the 1980s by Capcom, and has since had nine and a half iterations of the original series and a multitude of spin-offs (and spin-offs of spin-offs). The first Megaman I played was Megaman 2 way back in the day. It was truly a sublime experience and whether or not it's just the nostaglia talking, and takes the cake as the best game in the series. I bring this up because recently Megman 9 came out for the Wii and after playing it I realized I have a very strange relationship with the series. While I adore the Metroid and Mario series, Megaman has never recieved such outspoken devotion. I have played and beat all the original Megaman games, and I downloaded this one, yet I cannot say that it ranks even close to Metroid or Mario. I am not really sure why that is, as I sought out and played every Megaman title in the original nes series and the gameboy series. There's just something about the format and consistancy that is pleasing, but nay I cannot love.

So this brings us to Megaman 9. Again I have laid down cash for yet another Megaman partaking in the old formula that strangely never gets stale yet never completely satisfies. Megaman therefore is a Mistress, someone who satiates a desire yet there is no love behind it. You jump, you shoot, and you beat a robot master, then repeat. It's fun, pleasing, and consistant. I'm sorry Megaman, but I cannot love you... but I will always come to you.

Also: Fuck you, Capcom. This game is brutal.

Causes for the Zombie Apocalypse

With most disasters or catastrophes, people try to move on and forget about the pain and loss of those events. However, it is always beneficial to try to reflect on the causes of those devastating events so that they may never happen again. So let me step away from my duty to distract you from the Zombocalypse, to educate you on the causes of this tragic event. These are some of the cause, not all of them, but they should help you understand and cope with the event.

1) Voodoo Magic


This is the oldest form of reanimation. Traditionally a voodoo priest will use spells to take control of a dead body for his own purpose, usually as a personal soldier or to raise havoc (optionally used as a maid). More powerful priests have been known to amass whole armies of undead warriors under their control. If the voodoo priest dies then the creatures return to the earth where they belong. In some rare cases voodoo magic has reanimated the dead without a master and these ones crave flesh, and if these zombies get out of hand, then it is apocalypse time.


2) Radiation


Radiation is a fickle. Sometimes it wants to make you into an unstoppable super hero. Other times it creates giant lizards that destroy Tokyo. Most of the time radiation will just give you cancer or birth defects. Then it'll turn around and cure that cancer. I say make up your mind radiation! The type of radiation that normally creates zombies is space radiation. Zombification caused by space radiation usually goes down like this: A satellite or meteor tainted with space radiation falls into the earth's atmosphere and lands near a farm. The son of a farmer is awakened from a deep sleep by the object and goes out to investigate. He moves toward the object cautiously. Suddenly, radiation light pours forth from the space object and envelopes the boy. The father, after noticing the boy is gone from his bed, goes out into the cornfield to look for his son. The farmer spots his son and rushes over to embrace him. The boy, now a zombie, bites his father starting a chain reaction that leads to the zombie apocalypse. It should be noted that nuclear bombs have been known to cause zombification, but what doesn't a nuclear bomb do?


3) A virus.


The most common cause of zombies. An evil corporation hellbent on world domination or a scientific community testing on chimps to cure cancer usually creates the virus. It usually involves at least one mad scientist. The virus is spread through the blood or saliva, normally from a bite. Symptoms of the disease include rotting, craving human flesh, slow movement, and rectal bleeding.


4) Tense Office Meetings


This cause is not as obvious, so let me set the scene:

At the Mattel toy corporation there is a huge argument over the next line of action figures. Linda is attempting to pitch a line of Warrior Monk Hamsters who fight crime and set up missionaries trying to convert the criminals to do good. The toy line was controversial with its religious undertones, and many of the people of the board turned to Jeff, the CEO, for the final decision. Jeff stood up and suggested that he agreed with the rest of the board. Linda suddenly turned very cross, staring derisively at Jeff. Jeff continued to say that if Linda maybe changed the hamsters from monks to cyborgs (cyborgs are equally celibate as they rarely get laid).


Linda, looking betrayed with wide eyes fixed on Jeff, said, "The line of toys would encourage kids to do good and know that even if people do evil, there is a second chance for everyone, they wouldn't have the same effect if they were cyborgs, Jeff."


The tension between the two executives was deafening. Everyone else around the table was silent, eyes glued to the two standing figures.


"The religious undertones behind the figures would get too many complaints from parents and religious group. We just can't do it, Linda." Jeff said confidently. The executives shot their gaze back at Linda, anticipating her retort.

Linda smiled mischievously, "That's not what you said last night in bed." The confidence instantly melted off Jeff's face. His face went pale, and sweat instantly started to bead on his face. He could not speak. He was terrified. She crossed the line. The executives started to sink in their chairs, wishing to vanish. At that moment the employee sitting closest to the door, Simon, sensed danger and escaped from the room and jumped into the nearest closet, closing the door behind him.

"Do you promise a toy line to all the girls you sleep with? I guess that means your wife doesn't get one."


Jeff’s terror transforms into white rage. “YOU FILTHY WHORE!” he bellows as he lunges towards Linda, his hands fueled by rage wrapping around her throat. The executives around the table howl and screech, unable to comprehend the situation unraveling before them. Linda tries to resist, tries to speak, but Jeff only squeezes harder, tears streaming from both their faces.

The executives have slipped into madness, they start tearing at each other’s clothes barking and groaning. One executive jumps onto the table and urinates on the rest. Several begin to thrash one another, biting and kicking. As they do so, the life fades from Linda’s tear soaked eyes. Jeff loosens his hands from Linda’s neck, and her body slumps to the floor.


Jeff emits an unearthly roar, shaking the conference room. He is no longer human. The creature that was formerly Jeff staggers from the room followed by the blood soaked monsters that were formerly the executives. They hunger. The ghouls proceed to attack and kill the office workers, feasting on their flesh. The ones they slay do not stay dead for long, for they too soon hunger. Everyone in the building is soon dead or undead, except for the only survivor, Simon, safely locked inside a supply closet. His story is for another day.


5) Hell is full. The dead will rise.


Self-explanatory…


Oh! The bell has been rung. Great lesson today, you guys. Have a good weekend.

Office Tips: Post-it Notes

If you work in an office, a post-it note is a convenient way to communicate with a co-worker who is not at his or her desk. Unfortunately, the problem is that most people do not utilize the post-it note effectively, often writing bland or "efficient" messages without any thought or purpose. This post is for anyone who wants to make a difference in the office setting and have a little fun while doing it. Here is an example of what is clearly a dud post-it note:

Disgusting. So much wasted space without any consideration for the other person! You might as well tell the guy you're leaving this to go kill himself. How about putting some sunshine into this person's life? Here's the same message but enhanced for maximum enjoyment:



Now the individual has been informed and feels like a million bucks! Post-it notes can inform and entertain. Don't feel like taking the direct approach or maybe you want to have more fun? Try putting this post it note on his or her computer screen:



You can then follow up with this post-it note on the cubicle wall behind them:



For better effect try actually being right behind them when they discover the note and scream the message!

I bet you are already about a zillion more times fun at the office already, or at least with your post-it notes. Have fun with "God's tiny miracles papers," and remember:

Man-children

Today I wish to talk to you about the phenomenon of man-children. As you can see I have added a tagline to my blog welcoming my new demographic, man-children (and woman-children but I shall lump them into the male from now on since it is awkward and unnecessary to say both). If you do not know what man-children are picture a gathering of adult males playing Guitar Hero, high-fiving, gripping little plastic guitars squeaking louder than the music, and grunts of manliness and joy. You have probably witnessed something similar to this scene I have painted before, or maybe even taken part of it. Those males are displaying the traits typical of man-children.

Still confused? Here is a simple definition: A man-child is an adult male partaking in activities or displaying behavior that is commonly associated with human children. I would hesitate to call this immaturity, as being a man-child can be harmless fun. However, a man-child has the propensity to slip into immature acts, which is why the practice is generally frowned upon. Man-children generally gather to drink and play video games, but have been known to break into Tag, Hide-and-Go-Seek, Four-Square, and Utopian Societies (Always ened by fire).
So why am I bringing this up? I am changing the focus and tone of my blog from distracting my audience from the zombie apocalypse to just fun distraction, man-children being an important piece of that pie. This widens my demographic, while not excluding my original one. I reserve the right to change my blog drastically when I see fit (read: when I’m bored of where my blog is going). Also I hope you enjoy my new fall flavored blog header. If I stick with this blog for future seasons it should change to reflect different seasons, featuring season specific man-child activities. I hope do more animations for future posts.

Mattary Swamon

Did you realize that Matt Damon and Hilary Swank are the same person? You can almost tell by looking at them, but further evidence was found by Hilary Swank's housekeeper. The housekeeper was snooping around for items to sell on eBay that she thought her employer would not miss. This led to the discovery of a box containing a very convincing male prosthetic. That is not all, as inscribed on this item is "This is my penis when I'm Matt Damon," which confuses, and sometimes delights, all of Matt's sexual partners. Curiously, Matt Damon's make-up artist found a latex vagina amongst Matt's things that had this inscribed on it: "This is my vagina when I'm Hilary Swank." This leaves the Matt Damon/Hilary Swank entity's gender in question. Any reported sightings of these two together was accomplished by computer fabrication.

Powerful Magicks

I mentioned awhile back that I am one of the few electrical engineers that can actually use magic. Allow me to enlighten you on the subject of my magicks while not going into exactly how I obtained this magic (I'll leave that for future posts). There are many different kinds of magic, but they can usually be associated with the following elements:

• Earth
• Water
• Fire
• Wind
• Chainsaw

The magic that I can wield and will talk about is Chainsaw magic. Most wizards associate themselves with one of these elements, and rarely can master more than one.

Although the concepts of the physical chainsaw did not appear until around 1830, its mystical presence has always been present. Greek philosopher Aristotle, when talking about the fifth element of chainsaw said, "There is a power working behind the scenes. It is secret, fierce, and perhaps if attached to a chain, could cut down the even the thickest of trees in mere minutes." Aristotle was obviously way ahead of his time, and correctly identified the mysterious element.

Chainsaw magic is considered slightly more abstract than magics of other elements, as it is sometimes unclear what spells are associated with it. Obviously creating maelstroms is of the wind element. Heating up tea without a kettle and stove is fire. What spells do the chainsaw inspire? It may surprise you, but chainsaw magic has a wide variety of resuscitation spells. Did you know that the heart is considered a powerful organic chainsaw? It is a proven fact that if one were to connect a chain to a human heart, the result would be one of the most powerful organic chainsaws. It should be said that few Chainsaw wizards (Chainsawrds) are skilled nor brave enough to even attempt such a feat as the cardiosaw. With that being the case most chainsawrds focus on using their magic to restart or revitalize the heart. It should come as no surprise that chainsaw magic can be used to restart automobiles which are merely chainsaws designed for movement over arbor destruction.

Now here is where chainsaw magic usually gets its bad rap and no doubt this is probably what you have been waiting for me to talk about: The Spirit Chainsaw. This is the primary spell used by chainsawrds as means of attack or defense. Dozens of chainsawrds throughout the ages have been known to abuse this particular spells as a means of destruction and terror. This has led to the element to be strictly forbidden to practice in many areas of the world. However, if used correctly, it can be a powerful ally in dark times. The Spirit Chainsaw is the projection of rotating maiming power that thrown from the arms of the chainsawrd. The spell would be the equivalent of throwing a running chainsaw straight at a target of choice. The target, whether it be a tree, man, or any object is instantly cut to pieces. The severity of the cut depends on the skill of the chainsawrd, naturally. Zombies are particularly susceptible to this spell for unknown reasons. As you can see, the Spirit Chainsaw can be a boon or a curse.

UPDATED!
My friend, Larry, will demonstrate the spell for you. Enjoy!

The Toad People of Western Massachusetts

I am sure you have heard stories of creatures somehow escaping peering eyes. Perhaps you've been told stories as a child by peers holding flashlights under their faces, while camping in your backyard. Tales concerning monsters lurking in ancient hills and or roaming sparsely settled areas of the country. No doubt you have heard of Bigfoot, the Sasquatch, Skunk Ape, or the cat who does not tell lies. All of these I can assure you have no evidence of existing, but I shall share with you a legend that rests in the back off all minds of Western Massachusetts. There have been brief sitings of bloated, greenish brown beings stumbling around the deep forests of the Berkshires. Natives of the region called them the terrible Toad People.

When I was a child, I was teased because of my croaking voice, huskiness, and my curiously webbed feet. "Toad Boy" they would call me, "go back to the forest and stop terrorizing us." I would usually just laugh it off and then proceed to kick them while they were still on the ground, in a game I called "The Toad Boy kills all the children." Although, it was just a kids game, it made me think that maybe there was some truth to the Toad People legends. I grew older and taller and less toad-like, but I still research the subject, sometimes going to towns where Toad People sightings occur and collecting tales about the fabled race. There is usually a pretty consistent overall story concerning their behavior and their appearance, although their whereabouts are unknown.

The stories relate that the Toad People are fat, brown-green, and hobble about their hind legs. Although they usually stick to their damp forests, they sometimes known to wander near human settlements on foggy or especially humid days. When people first started to settle the Western Massachusetts region, it was said that although at first timid, the Toad People left gifts of leaf shirts and tree bark pants. The humans usually just mistook these as kindling materials for their fires, which forever made the Toad People bitter toward humans and more reclusive, cursing our noses and lean bodies. A popular tale amongst the school children of the Cheshire, Massachusetts area is that sometimes when children go to search for salamanders in the forest and roll over the wrong log, they could stumbled into a secret underground Toad People settlement and never be seen again. This could explain why there is an obscure law forbidding children from salamander hunting in the Cheshire area.

Toad people almost always travel in groups, wear grass and bark as clothes (leaves are considered formal wear), and surprisingly speak in a croaky English. It was a common belief that the Toads speak French, but this is silly as it is common knowledge that French is spoken by Frogs. Toad People will rarely terrorize humans, but if one happens to wander into Toad People territory or find out too much concerning the Toad People, it is not unlikely that the Toad People will attempt to frighten the individual so that they will never return. One made said he spotted Toads in his woods, ran back to his house, bolted the door, and hid in the basement. He heard banging and croaking on the floor above him, and when he finally decided to emerge when the noise ceased, his furniture was moved around and his three cats bore sweaters of grass. Apparently these are obscure Toad insults.

Sometimes Toad People are known to fall in love with human women. This is because it is an unrealistic ideal amongst the Toad People to have wartless woman, similar to the human male ideal of finding a woman who is not crazy, or a woman trying to find a man who has beautiful wings. The enamoured Toad will then rest underneath the window of the female of choice and croak with affection throughout the night. The female usually just mistakes this for ordinary frogs, and rarely thinks it's a giant mythical toad-being proposing to her.

There are many thing strange about the Toad People, from their large yellow eyes to their reclusive nature. Perhaps my research of them might bring about their wrath and I'll find my refrigerator turned around and my pets clothed, but I shall take my chances. For although my voice no longer croaks and my body no longer fat, I still can't help but feel a curiosity and kinship toward the Toad People.

Movies Stolen From the Future

In my previous post I talked about the movie Transformers, and how it was far from a masterpiece. Today I will tell you about several movies that were highly praised in their day, but were in fact ideas that were completely stolen from the future. Remakes are indeed popular, but the fact is Hollywood considers stealing from the future a better option and a victimless crime.

The process of stealing movies requires far less cyborgs than you would think (It is a well known fact that cyborgs can only travel to the past). If not cyborgs than what do movie producers use to pilfer from the future? Most oracles can only predict lottery numbers, true love, and which pies have crows in them, so they are not much use. It is in fact the wizards the movie directors go to. I know I just briefly mentioned wizards in a previous post, but bear with me. Wizards, who are more known for their sorcery and math skills, do not have augury powers beyond the normal man except in the area of film and entertainment. Many wizards have a sense of honor and morals and as such do not consort with movie producers, which is why many filmmakers go to black wizards. Some black wizard will accept ordinary money for their services, others will take silver galleons, and a select few only take bottles of demon secrets... they must be whispered secrets. Once the payment has been received, the black wizards will draw a circle on the ground and sink into the earth in a blaze of fire. The movie producer is usually forced to wait for days, for black wizards revel in making such power men at unease. The black wizard will then return to the film-maker, usually at night while he sleeps. The mage then whispers the stolen movie premise, obtains a sample of blood, kisses the producer on the cheek, and then vanishes in a tornado of wind and gooey tar. Film-makers usually dislike the experience, and feel that the wizards are just "fucking with them."

Here is a list of some of the most well known movies stolen from the future:

Planet of the Apes

Pierre Boulle, the author of La planète des singes, or "Monkey Planet" was experiencing a rather severe case of writer's block before he came up with the dystopian novel featuring apes. After writing several books based on his experiences during World War II, he wanted to go in a new direction. Desperate, he traded the silver galleons a war buddy had entrusted him for a stolen idea from the future, which was a movie by Tim Burton called "Planet of the Apes." Boulle's "Monkey Planet" was published in 1963 and soon after 20th Century Fox approached Boulle to purchase the movie rights, and Boulle made no mention that his idea was stolen. Meanwhile in the future, Tim Burton was furious his idea was taken and tried to take the film in a new direction, which resulted in the original movie being worse than the movie made from the stolen idea.

Jaws

It is a common belief that Steven Spielberg's movie Jaws was an adaptation of Peter Benchley's best-selling novel of the same name, which was inspired by the Jersey Shore shark attacks. While this is technically true, but the movie wasn't to be created until much later. In the 197os Steven Spielberg actually stole this idea, using a wizard, from himself in the future. In the year 2015 Spielberg will adapt the same book under the title Hungry Teeth Fish. Future Spielberg was so furious of his past self that he unsuccessfully tried to have himself killed in the past (using Cyborgs).

Star Wars

Yes one of the most celebrated sci-fi movie of all time is in fact stolen from the future. After finishing American Graffiti, George Lucas was fresh out of ideas. So the young director decided to get the five finger discount and snag a ripe juicy concept from the future. The movie that he ripped off mercilessly was the 2050s hit film, Swine Home, which follows a pig farmer's quest to attain the blue ribbon for his prize swine while dealing with family issues. This may not seem like a rip off of Star Wars, but the scripts of the two movies are exact word for word. George Lucas continued to steal movies for years until his guilty conscience caught up with him, and he started writing Star Wars movies without consulting a wizard. His movies haven't been the same since.

It's a pretty sad time as more and more film-makers are stealing from the future to grab a cool and easy billion.

The Night Terrors of Shia LaBeouf

A friend of mine invited me over to his house to watch a movie titled "Transformers" recently. For those of you unaware this was a majorly hyped movie from the previous summer, and it was based on a cartoon series of the same name in 1984, which I believe was about migrant workers of the Great Depression. This movie takes the series in a new direction featuring robots from outer space coming to earth to battle each other and shout the names of popular websites and products, a huge departure from the original premise as the Internet was not popular during the airing of the cartoon. I felt that the movie took the magic out of the timeless tale of misery during the Great Depression and the perseverance of mankind.

Take the nostalgia of the original series out of the equation and judge the movie by itself, and you are still left with many flaws. First, I was very confused by the plot for over half the movie. This was mainly because the main character, Sam Witwicky played by Shia LaBeouf, seemed to start each scene by shrieking incoherently and waving his arms around. He would then continue to do so until the scene changed. I reasoned that his shrieks were caused by night terrors that he must have been just roused from, and that his flailing was an attempt to ward off the large bats that clung to his arms. During the movie I asked my friend to clarify the plot for me and he made no mention of night terrors. I later found out that the actor was suffering from an explosive stroke throughout the filming of the movie and director Michael Bay thought it would be impolite to recast him. This I think was a rookie mistake for the director. The rest of the human actors just seemed to be two dimensional props made of cardboard glued to a brick for the "robots" to battle around and Shia LaBeouf to shriek around.

I put robots in quotations because director/navy captain Michael Bay made another strange and controversial choice of using CG inside of real robot actors. It's pretty disappointing that the film industry is moving in this direction with Caucasians playing Asian Americans, Asians playing the mentally challenged, and panthers playing dogs. I am slightly conflicted because although ethically I am against panthers playing outside their species, after re-watching Air Bud I am very impressed with the acting skills of the panther playing Bud. This decision does take away jobs from highly skilled robot actors like R66-Y, SU-4571, or Ben Affleck. R66-Y paved the way for Robot Crime genre in the hit series CSI: Robot Miami. Let us not forget the robot comedian SU-4571, best known for her comedy routine "while 1, spin" in which she sped around the room for eternity, which wasn't immediately funny until about the 1231th spin. A variation of the bit included her processor catching on fire and murdering the audience, and that is extremely hilarious. I would have loved to see what these actors did with these roles, even Ben Affleck with his whirling inner fans and strangely monotoned voice would have been a great fit. This was a huge oversight by Michael Bay. All in all the movie was a casserole of flaws and missed opportunities.

Here's a neat trick I was taught when I was younger: Go outside on a sunny day and hold your hands out in front of you, palms facing the sky. Stare at each hand left then right for about ten seconds each, it doesn't have to be exact. Now stare directly at the sun for about thirty seconds, with your hands still out in front of you. Now turn your eyes back toward your hands, and you'll notice two doves resting on your hands, one dove to each hand. This will work every time if done correctly. Now here's the tricky part! Choose one of the doves and start squeezing it until all its bones crumble and the animal dies. If you chose correctly, you will be rewarded with a coupon for Apple Jacks and a new dove companion. Choose incorrectly and you will never find true love.

Something About Myself... and Electricity

I thought after introducing my blog I should speak a little of myself. I won't go into much depth as you should learn much about me through my writing and stories, so I will share at least one fact about myself. I reserve the right to keep secrets from you, because if you knew too much, you might use my magic against me (which is the reason I hang a small mirror around my neck and a spoon in my pocket).

I shall start off by telling you I went to Worcester Polytechnic Institute and obtained a bachelor's degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering, the only degree that claims to be so hard that it classifies you as a type of wizard. Unfortunately this is not the type of wizard that can use magic (Although I can use magic but that is a story for another post). The title doesn't mean too much, but everyone is usually impressed when a wizard comes to a party, especially with the women folk. It is a known fact women find wizard irresistibly sensual.

Many say that electrical engineering is the most difficult kind of engineering, but I disagree. I will even tell you everything you need to know about the profession just in this blog post. You will be able to impress the likes of Bose, Rathyeon, and many others with the knowledge you gain here.

When I first arrived at WPI, it is customary for them to try to trick you into wasting your four or more years chasing lies. In fact more than half the challenge was figuring out where the real knowledge was. WPI claimed, "This is how we separate the wizards from the cyborgs." Cyborgs rarely get laid. One of the first of many lies they told me was that I could learn electrical engineering from books. These books were unnecessarily convoluted and told strange tales of electrons and dipoles, which I believe is a kind of duck. The real knowledge was painted in the caves below the school, which I stumbled upon when attempting to bury the books I so hated. The caves were made by the Iroquois Indians who were the original discoverers of electricity, or should I say the cause of electricity. That cause is not electrons or some nonsense, but a demon from another dimension the Iroquois called "Mooki." The extensive cave paintings told the story of how Mooki came to our dimension and is now the enity we know as electricity. Ever wonder why when you touch a doorknob you sometimes feels an electric shock? That's because the small presence of Mooki inside you is trying to leap to the doorknob, as doorknobs resembles the portal he originally took to enter our world. Mooki tends to live in metals such as copper, tin, and aluminum, and is comforted by animals bones, drastically improving efficiency. This is why if you crack open an Ipod or a telephone you usually find a hamster skeleton. Power plants attract a large presence of Mooki using turbines that resemble the demon vagina, naturally.

As you can see you already know more than most of the electrical engineers at WPI; however, you wish to have the official title of wizard you have to attend the school or find another way to get laid, you filthy cyborg.

Before I leave you today I shall finish with this insightful fact: Way back in the days of seafaring and Christopher Columbus, there was a lasting belief that if you take a burlap sack filled with puppies onboard, sew it shut, and leave it out on a moonlit night, it will transform into a flock of beautiful women to please your crew. This ritual was widely practiced even though there was no evidence that it had ever worked. In fact the practice ended not in the crew having wonderful relations with beautiful moon women, but sex with dead dogs. This is actually the origin of the term "seadog," which is shortened from the much longer name "Seamen who have sex with dead dogs." Although unpopular, the ritual is still practiced to this day.

A Blog of Sight, Sound, and Mind

Greetings and welcome, my name is EJ Massa. Some of you may know me and to you I say, "Hi again." To those who do not know me, please refer to the first sentence. No doubt you found this blog by accident and be glad you did, because I will be providing you essential information on life, politics, news, video games, and any other topic that is worth knowing. Most importantly, the purpose of the essays posted here are to distract and amuse you. Why would you need to be distracted and amused? Well for one thing life in the United States (I call it "America") can be quite stressful and in many ways dull. Another reason for these essays is to keep your mind off of the coming Zombie Apocalypse. The Zombie Apocalypse or "Zombocalypse" is inevitable and is going to occur sooner than you think, so as a service to you, the reader, I will try to ease the pain of this horrendous event with some essays, social commentary, movie reviews, stunning facts, tales, and factual tales.

Guidelines to reading my blog:

The preferred method of reading my blog is left to right being sure to read every word carefully. If you wish to mix things up a bit, try reading every even word until you get to the end of the post, then starting from the end read every odd word until you get to the beginning. The meaning of this might not be very apparent to you right now... but soon you will know exactly why I have instructed you on this alternate method.

Although you can read this blog when the Zombocalypse is not occurring, it is highly suggested that you wait until that time, as it will be more useful and more relevant. I realize that there may not be any computer during the Zombocalypse, so please plan ahead and print out every post, laminate the page, and file it in a cabinet labeled "Zombocalypse," you'll be glad you did. If you were not prepared and did not print out my posts, or perhaps you filed them incorrectly, do not worry. I have painstakingly tattooed every blog post to trained and very intelligent cats. If you are roaming the desert wastes of the Zombocalypse and you see a cat... catch it, for you will be rewarded with a pleasant article written by myself, EJ Massa.

This blog is currently under heavy construction, so check back for surprises every chance you get. Thank you for stopping by.